Wednesday, June 26, 2002

Today it’s been exactly twenty-six years since the day I added my screams to the cacophony of this world.

Spent the day in my usual maze of epistemological quandaries – struggling with the usual doubts that have nagged my mind for years. How much can you trust your mind? Someone once said that man is sentenced to solitary confinement in his own skin. He forgot to add that he is also cursed to the company of his own mind.

There’s a river I have to cross. But it’s deep and it is raging. Actually I’ve already fallen into it. I wish I’d drown rather than make it back to where I started. But maybe, bless the thought, I’ll make it to the other side.

Twenty-six years. Did I live up to my expectations? No, my friend, no. Not at all. But what difference does it make?

You take what you get and you move on. You’re not supposed to look back, but you have to. Anyway you can’t see ahead and you can’t locate where you are at present. So you look back. And because you’re always looking back, you don’t move much ahead. Sweet, isn’t it? But, that’s the bargain. Take it or… no, take it. You don’t have a choice.

Today I missed love and touch. I miss mother. The only tenderness I can look forward to is that of Mother Night. As I cuddle up in her embrace I forget all the claptrap and I’m whole again. What does she feed my soul with under the benign watch of the stars? Maybe it is the same nectar that she feeds the trees that grow silently around me. She takes away the poison of the day’s routine. But, alas, the corrosion remains.

No. You may yet find me smiling soon.

Truly, madly, deeply,